Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Bo's Turn / Column Two: Super Seahorse Apocalypse Prevention Squad.

Another great piece of literary wonder by Bo Quintana; Milton Teen...

Hey there Milton, Bo again.

Anytime is a great time to watch a movie. But summertime in Milton brings about all kinds of viewing opportunities. There’s Flicks & Flurries at Friendship Park, Fork & Screen on the Green at Milton’s Cuisine & Cocktails, and of course there’s no shortage of options and your nearby humungo-plex.

But what Milton really needs is a Supernatural Animal Film Festival, don’t you think?

Here’s my thinking: Recently, I’ve been helping develop a podcast with my friends. It’s called Super Seahorse Apocalypse Prevention Squad. It’s mostly about these two screw-up seahorses that cause (and kinda-sorta prevent) the apocalypse in their seahorse community.

In the first episode (which happens to be the only one I’ve written thus far), two seahorses, Jim the Seahorse and Doctor Seahorse, accidentally inject a zombie virus into an unsuspecting volunteer.

After much chaos, the zombie seahorses are exterminated by a whale and a grateful sea monkey. Really only like three zombie seahorses die. The whale accidentally flops on them, and also destroys a few buildings.

But this little nonsensical thing I’ve created does raise an interesting question. Why hasn’t anyone else done this? You’d think this would be a profitable venture.

A quick Google search of the term “zombie seahorses” brings strange tattoos, a Facebook page, and a disturbing amount of women’s underwear.

So where are the movies? Where are the books? Where are the messages written with blood on the wall of a cave?


And this surprises me. The fact that there are 7 billion people living on earth right now, and not one decided that zombie seahorses was a brilliant freaking idea.

But does it stop there? NO. The internet decides to torture me more when I search for zombie giraffes.

Granted, deviantart (a large art community on the interwebs) has an impressive amount of tattoos and drawings of giraffes with cravings for brains. But anywhere else on the internet? Anywhere that SPECIFICALLY showcases literary talent? NOPE. Not gonna find it. Unless a tumblr blog that reposts the exact same pictures from deviantart counts. Which it DOESN’T!

So what does this mean? It means that we, the writers of America … we, whose creativity arguably outstretches everyone else’s creativity … we, the great thinkers … we, who have been awesome since those cavemen discovered that mammoth red stuff makes cool symbols on cave walls … we have sold out.

Go to IMDb and I will guarantee you that after less than 30 seconds you can find a werewolf movie, a vampire movie, a witch movie, a pirate movie, and a Nicholas Sparks adaptation.

And you can find a zombie movie. But can you find a zombie movie showcasing animal zombies? No, you can’t. Not showcasing. Yes there are some movies that have zombie animals, but they are not the main focus, just a small obstacle to the main human characters.

So why not? What do people not like about koalas eating brains and eucalyptus leaves?

To put it bluntly, we are racists.

To make a movie about humans being zombies is discriminatory against the rest of the animal kingdom. It’s not like it makes logical sense; if a zombie virus comes along, it will probably affect the other species of animal kind before it affects us humans. We do have a more advanced immune system, after all.

So how do we get animals into supernatural movies and out of documentaries about chimps adopting smaller chimps? Maybe this film festival will get things rolling.

With love and stuff,


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I love it. Let's get this film fest organized!